Diaries of a Jaded Heart

Good-Bye

Jaded — Thu, 06 Jan 2011 18:41:31 +0000

This space has been therapeutic and healing; even sacred. I am so thankful for the soul sisters I’ve been able to connect with through this space. I thank everyone who posted or silently followed but was rooting for me and my hopes. I know that when most of us ‘met’ we were roughly in the same points in our journeys – hurting and raw with devastation. Some of us are now in differing places but I hope that there is a common belief that we will always be connected because of our experiences. This space has served its purpose and it is now time to move on. If you’d like, I’d love it if you followed me. If not, I understand. Thanks ever so much for your comments and inspirations; I admire and love so many of you… Hugs to you all on your journeys… Always…

If you’d like to follow me to the new blog I am here.

See you there.

P.S. – I won’t be checking comments on here any longer.

Farewell 2010

Jaded — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 20:11:50 +0000

This year fulfilled its promise of hope and wonder. My daughter brings a renewed sense of wonder and hope to all of life’s moments. This past weekend we experience a blizzard here. I saw the wonder and amazement in her eyes as it snowed and I was overjoyed. Life has tested me and sunk me deep into despair, yet it has also brought her to me. There is a renewed desire to live and to experience…a desire to partake in life and catch up to the experiences that I missed while in despair. I am so thankful for the following scenes my life:

Thanksgiving 2010

Goodbye and farewell 2010, you have been good to me.

It’s ME Time

Jaded — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 21:04:37 +0000

There comes a moment when you can catch your breath and look around after struggling for so long. All I wanted was a live baby and I thank my lucky stars that I got her. So now I’m catching my breath and looking around and am having quite a time adjusting to my new ‘now’. I want to get my health in order for real. I want to get out of debt and get to the bottom of the motives behind my spending. I want some real direction in my career. I want to spice things up at home. I want a band of ‘girlfriends’. I want to live life. I want to go dancing and take my cooking to a new level. I want to drink martini’s and take a belly-dance class. I have so much to write and I don’t know whether to go private, password-protected, say yes to comments, or no to comments…I don’t know. I just want to write…freely and honestly…I need to write.

Blessed

Jaded — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 15:14:24 +0000

We bought a new car this weekend with all the bells and whistles. I am so happy about it. We went to my company’s holiday sale, although there was nothing I needed. I bought new clothes and make-up. I dyed my hair a new and vibrant shade. We ordered in. We slept late. Ziggy met Santa, although she was sleeping by the time she made it into his arms. She was dressed like a candy cane…a red and white striped ‘onesie’ with a matching bib and hat. The bib read ‘Santa’s little helper’, although I told her that Santa would fire her for sleeping on the job. My husband is moving on to a new position at his old company. We’re excited about our future.

I had a brief moment while waiting to sign-my life away at the car dealership. Many people were coming over to comment on how cute Ziggy was. I looked at him and asked if he believed that this was our life. No, was his response. I thought of where I was 3 years ago. Emi, had passed away and I didn’t know how I would ever be happy again. I didn’t know how I would smile or hope again. I didn’t know how life could dare to go on without her. I knew logically that it somehow would, but I just couldn’t see it. Then I thought of the time after Daniella, 2 years ago. I was done with life. I really wanted to just not be. Yet the universe knew that I had to continue living because this happy future awaited me.

I know that there are quite a few out there. I know that you can’t bring yourselves to comment but that you are reading. I understand so completely. There are many times that I look at Ziggy and I have to think of you and I have to think of your babies. I know I’m blessed. I promise you that I cherish her and love her. I promise you that I will raise her to the best of my ability to be someone of character, strength, courage and compassion. She will serve the world.

I love you all out there. Your day will come.

A Season?

Jaded — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 21:02:16 +0000

A friend and I had a huge fall out and we are not speaking to one another. I have very mixed feelings about the whole thing. On the one hand I am somewhat relieved and feel like I have taken a breath of fresh air. On the other I miss my friend. I know that the root cause of all this is a HUGE misunderstanding (as is often the case) but somethings were said that can not be unsaid. My girls were brought up and that is just a place that you should tread – and very lightly – around me. To bring up the girls and in the way they were brought up was a really cheap way of trying to hurt me. It failed too – because I am very secure about the decision I made before and after their deaths and my conscious is very clear. Things will never be the same. I’m surprisingly ok with where I am at. Not glad, but still doing just fine. Maybe because I am not surprised that we got here, just surprised at how… I have learned that when you get too close and you know too much that you are sometimes too close for comfort. I have learned that people ask but they are not prepared to hear. I have learned that you should let people do the hard work of figuring out their paths and find out their truths even if they are always coming to you. Just like with my mother and her home I am not fazed at the thought of letting this friendship go. I have let go before and I can let go again. Life goes on. Life is good. The light within radiates like a beacon in the night and I trust its truth – I am where I need to be right now. I am thankful for what was and honor what could have been. Our season as friends is likely over and hopefully our purpose in each other’s life fulfilled. Godspeed…

A Legacy of Smiles

Jaded — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 13:43:24 +0000

After I lost Emi and especially after Daniella I struggled to find meaning in their losses. I could not stand when in their attempts to comfort me people would tell me “everything happens for a reason.” REALLY? I thought. What good could possibly come about from their losses when I became jaded, biter and angry. I had become a shell of a person. In spite of all this I promised my girls that I would do something positive in the world because I would not allow their deaths to be in vain. I finally sent a strong message to the universe. Give me a child and I promise you two things: I will work to forge a better relationship with my in-laws and I will pay it forward by paying ($240) for a cleft lip or cleft palate operation for one child each year for the rest of my life.

I just bought my first surgery last week and I can’t tell you the joy and sense of closure it gave me. The loss of my girls will never make complete sense to me this side of eternity, but there is such peace in this moment. I love you Ziggy and I give thanks for you and each of your smiles. You are the most awesome and special person in my life. I love you Emi with every fiber in my being. I never got to hold you, I never even looked at you but I love you so dearly. And Daniella, my little warrior, the one that fought, the one that graced me with a few hours. You taught me strength. You taught me resolve. You helped me to find the warrior within myself.

To all my girls – I love you in such a way that words will never be enough. I never got to see Emi’s or Daniella’s smiles, but if the universe grants me a long life, I promise that many children will smile in their names.

Awesome Autumn

Jaded — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 18:52:30 +0000

This has been the most delightful autumn ever. My husband and I have celebrated a wonderful anniversary, his birthday and Halloween with our little one. She truly makes my life worthwhile, purposeful and so meaningful. I am experiencing the world all over again through her and it is just so wonderful to do so.

I was able to take out an interest free loan to help my mother with saving her house and my step-dad got a wonderful new gig and will be making a lot more money. So they should have no problem with paying me back and securing their home in the long term.

We are now preparing to head south to visit my mom and family for the Thanksgiving holiday and Bigsexy’s family will be joining mine. I’m looking forward to what should be a roughly 14 hour drive.

Work is looking way up for me. My boss just put me in charge of filling an executive position for one of our more critical business channels. I’m truly happy now. Really.

Here are some pictures from the last few months:

4 Month Old Pirate w/Teddy

Pirate Love

Happy Thanksgiving!

Inserting foot in mouth…

Jaded — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 19:44:11 +0000

My mother may lose her house and when she told me I was a bit of an ass. She has been struggling with bills for several years and I just told her that maybe it was for the best. I spoke impulsively, really. She hardly spoke to me for the next few days. I finally asked her if she was upset with me and she told me that I hurt her and it’s like it did not matter to me.

Losing the girls has really changed me. I apologized and told her that I knew exactly what it felt like to hear the words maybe it’s for the best. I realized then that I need to remember that not everyone that I encounter will have lost so much so soon, as I have. It’s just so easy for me to let anything go after I lost my babies.

I remember watching a segment on a financial advice show where the host told someone that was on the verge of bankruptcy to just let the house that is weighing her down go and to rebuild. I still remember the quiet look of relief on that woman’s face. It’s like someone told her it was ok to stop struggling…to stop the fight. It seemed so freeing and I just wanted that feeling for my mother. My sentiment and wish for her were sincere and loving, my execution – hardly.

Thankfully, we are speaking again and I am in her graces once more.

But I never thought I’d be the one putting my foot in my mouth when it came to sensitivity.

Everywhere

Jaded — Thu, 30 Sep 2010 02:27:24 +0000

Currently I am experiencing a whole smorgasbord of emotions.

I am so thrilled with my little girl…she brings me so much joy. Each. Day. Sometimes I feel like my heart could absolutely burst with love.

I worry about my grandmother who has been in and out of hospitals and doctor appointments with a heart valve issue. I am not prepared to lose her or say good bye to her. Yet, if her time on this earth is drawing to a close there is peace in my heart because God has allowed her to live to see her great-granddaughter and because she has lived a very full life. I have to give thanks for those things.

I was talking to my mother today about Ziggy. I was telling her about her sweet smiles that light up a room. She told me that she was meant to be. She will never understand why Daniella wasn’t; but Ziggy was. There has always been a sense of peace in my heart about Emi…I don’t know why. But Daniella? No…I wasn’t prepared to give her up. I don’t know if there will ever be peace, but acceptance? Yes, and I am working on that.

I miss my girls…Emi…Daniella…. God, I love them… Will I forever wonder why and what if?

Work is going well…very well in fact. My boss is suddenly my new BFF. I just don’t get it, but I finally feel like I am part of something. On that front, I have been getting a lot of calls about other opportunities…due diligence would be that I purse each and see, but I am so happy with the way things are going at work.

I have been working out and eating so much better. I am still eating my weight in ice-cream each week. (I just LOVE ice-cream). Somehow the weight is coming off. I am below my pre-pregnancy weight and really feeling beautiful and attractive.

My mother-in-law fell down the steps and broke her hip. We have really been there for them and all the monkeys are appreciative of our efforts. The mother-in-law and I have had some thinly veiled (and no-so thinly veiled) discussions on past hurt feelings and I feel like we are inching closer towards closure… (Perhaps because now she is the one in need???)

An assistant to Dr. Davis called me up recently to follow-up on my TAC surgery. I told her that it all went very well and that I had actually sent a thank you to him. She said that she was certain it was somewhere in the stack (STACK!) of thank-yous he receives. She said that he reads each one and then has them placed in the patients file. I love that man. LOVE HIM!!! I am a Cowb.oy’s fan for life, I hope they win the Supe.rbowl each year!

And finally…for the first time in eons I am looking forward to the holidays. I just thought they were a good reason to drink…they now mean so much more to us.

A Visit to the Twilight Zone & Ziggy’s First Fever

Jaded — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 01:58:26 +0000

The twilight zone was in effect the day I returned to work. My boss greeted me with a warm embrace and as I was making myself at home in the reception area she told me not to get too settled. I looked at her curiously as she told me that she switched my location to another building. I am no longer handling reception. Yay!!!

She has really put her best foot forward and is involving me more in the department dealings. I don’t know if our last conversation before my leave did it or maybe in my absence she realized all the work that I do and that I am a point person that our staff uses as a resource…but something changed. She set up the office of an executive that has transferred as a place where I can express breast milk and covered up the window openings of his door with fabric. It has been a very smooth transition back to work and all the “welcome back!” and “we missed you!” doesn’t hurt!

On another note Ziggy has experienced her first fever and was very congested but is now doing better. She cried and was notably uncomfortable for 2 days. What are the odds that she would get sick the very week I return to work? But thank goodness she is much better, because it was truly heart-breaking to see her in discomfort. I was ready to take her to the emergency room but my husband must have a few more brain cells then I because he thought it wise to call the 24-hour nurse’s line. She suggested we run the bath to create steam and get her a saline solution. While my husband went to get her medicine I sat in the bathroom holding Ziggy, cleaning her nose and sweating something awful in our bathroom-now turned sauna at about 2am.

I didn’t realize how much her smiles really meant to me until she finally shot me one when she found releif in our ‘sauna’. I just love this kid, I can’t picture a life without her.