Hanging in there…

Last week I had some very bright bleeding and I went to the doctor’s office right smack in the middle of the workday.   They took a peek and saw a healthy sack, but no baby sighting as it was too early in the pregnancy.  As you may expect, I was a big ball of nerves and after sitting with my doctor I finally asked her if there was anything that I can take for my anxiety.  She prescribed zo.loft.  Bless her heart.  It’s been a week and I’m already feeling releif.  I came back to work and let my boss know what’s going on.  She asked if I was excited or nervous.  “Nervous…very.”

In other news, I made a big booboo at work.  I had a group of people show up for orientation at 7am.  It was supposed to be at 9am.  They were just sitting there…waiting.  Finally the security guard calls my boss at home…and the general manager calls my boss at home…and then yet another manager calls my boss at home….all wondering why there are a group of people just sitting in an empty room.  This is my first BIG mistake and everyone had to find out???  Earlier that week I had another booboo – per the request of a manager and someone senior to me in the HR department I called a new hire and told said person not to return to work due to apparently false statments in their application.  Apparently all terminations have to go through my boss first.  Ask me if I knew?   I have worked in places where it goes both ways.  She was not happy last week and therefore I was not too happy last week.   

Between the bleeding and my royal screw-ups at work the old me would be climbing the walls with worry.  Post 1 week of zo.loft?  I am actually doing somewhat ok.

Plus…my grandma has been visiting for the last week.  She flew in last weekend.  It has been great having her…she chats with me while I cook dinner, makes me lemonade, gives me kisses at night before bed,  and she always calls me her little girl.  When I told her about work and the pain in the ass I work with – Mother Goose – you know what she told me?

“Many years ago, when I worked in the factory I had to deal with all these annoying women who would drive me crazy.  Guess what?  Some of them I can’t remember and the others are all dead.”

I love my grandma – she has a way of putting things in perspective.

Worries…

My husband’s work week was reduced to 4 days, effective next week.  That, along with the 5% salary cut that was in effect means he is making 25% less.   With our roomate and modified way living (attacking debt and living more frugaly) we should be ok.  He is feeling deflated about this…as one might expect.

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Last Sunday my mom and I discussed the pregnancy.  I started crying.  I have some real odds against this baby.    Meckel-Gruber syndrome and it’s 25% recurrence risk is possible.  When I focus on our 75% chance of success I remember my incompetent cervix.  When I think of the transabdominal cercalge that should resolve that , I think of requesting P17 shots. 

Still, I tell myself to just shut up and be happy.

So it begins…

This is a time for muted hope.  I found out I was pregnant the night before last.  I went to my doctor yesterday for this pesky cold and I told her I tested positive for pregnancy at home.  She ran a test in the office and she confirmed that I was…and told me that I would have to fight this cold on my own because of the baby.  I can only take extra strength ty.lenol. 

I had a low-grade fever of 99 degrees, body aches, congestion, sneezing, itchy throat, cough, etc.  This is compounded by my pregnancy symptoms of ACHING breasts, occasional queasiness and fatigue.  Not that I am complaining.  My doctor excused me from work today and told me to come back on Monday if I still am not better.  I have strict orders to stay in bed, push fluids and vitamin C.  Lots of hot soup too.   Her orders sounded like a ticket to paradise for me, because I have been working the last 2 days feeling like a zombie.

There are too many emotions going on inside of me.   I just can’t settle on one.  This is not a time for celebration – the war has not been won.  This is a time of thanksgiving for the precious opportunity and soul I have been entrusted with.  This is a time for muted hope.

Here I am again.  I have only told a few – my husband, mother and Big Sexy.   Everyone is hopeful, even I am.  I don’t understand how despite everything that happened we all feel hopeful.  I hope we are not let down.

This is a time for muted hope.

Mazel Tov!!!

I had the pleasure of going to a Jewish wedding last week.  There just happened to be 2 grooms under the chupp.a (sp?) instead of a bride and groom.   One of the grooms used to work with my husband.  I saw the tears in their eyes and I saw the glow of their hearts and love.  The female rabbi spoke about the realities of discrimination, she spoke of how their love will not be honored by some due to intolerance and ignorance.

I wonder to myself who has the right to intervene and say their love is not appropriate?  Who can say what is right and what is wrong — as if they have it all figured out?

While the vows were being recited and while the traditional 7 wedding blessings were shared my husband wrapped his arm around me tightly and we held hands.  It reminded me of my own blessing.

I was truly happy with him in that moment – I felt wholly complete.  Complete like I have not felt in all too long.  It was just a beautiuful moment to be in the midst of so much love and acceptance.

Gush session over.

Now I will go back to bed and nurse this TERRIBLE flu that caused me to leave work early.

Protected: Work is O.K.

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The cold shoulder?

I have had a tough few weeks at work – this week being the worst.  My boss is suddenly giving me the cold shoulder.  She seems to look right through me at meetings lately, she ignores most of my emails, and is just overall very distant.

I know that she is prepping for a medical leave shortly that will have her away for 8-10 weeks, plus our department is low on man power – with the resignation of a colleague that relocated a few months ago and my other colleauge out on maternity leave.  I know she has a lot on her plate – but I almost feel like she is blatantly ignoring me.

It could be that she is just so busy that she will not reach out to me unless there is what she deems to be a real need or it could be that she is looking to create distance from me in preparation of letting me go. 

This has me almost sick with worry.  What has happened in the last several weeks to change her way of interacting with me?

I put out a meeting request via out.lo.ok to see if she will respond.  It would only take 30 minutes (if that) of her precious time.  I had a crying spell yesterday at work because of this.  I am just so afraid of losing my job.  Am I paranoid?

Let’s see if she will respond to this request.  But one thing is for certain – I can’t worry any more about this.  I just have to let it be and be confident that I have put my best foot forward and in my ability to get the job done.  I am doing my very best – what more can I give?

“Cute little toes!”

My boss has no inkling as to how much her words hurt.  I was having a good day…3 interviews…worked on our newsletter…staffing meeting…just a very productive day.  I was prepping for the orientation I will be administering tomorrow…and then says says this:  “I can’t wait until ‘C’ (my pregnant colleague) has her baby.  I will just kiss all those little toes – I swear I will!”
And with those words she just pierced my heart in the deepest way.  How I dreamt of kissing Emi’s feet.  How I dreamt of tickling Daniella’s.  They are dead and gone.  I hate this - I hate how grief can just derail the most productive of days.  I hate  how the most innoncent of comments can leave you speechless and rob you of your resolve.

I hate that they are gone. 

I miss you my precious, precious babies…my sweet little girls.

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Somedays

Somedays I just wonder, is all this really worth it?  I struggle every day of my life.  Somedays I struggle to crawl out of bed.  Other days I struggle not to tear up when I see a baby.  Somedays I struggle to control my rage.  I struggle every day – and some days like today I just get fucking tired of it all.

I am currently working 60 hour weeks, just hoping and praying for the weekend.  Whatever for?  When the weekend arrives, I don’t know what to do with myself.  My husband and I are tired of the same old distractions – movies, eating out and shopping.  We are ready to share those simple pleasures with a little one.

Yesterday was his high school reunion and this is a juncture in life when you have no choice but to contemplate where you stand in it.  Everyone we met yesterday except for his old teachers (that are mostly Cath.olic brothers and therefore did not procreate) had children.  We got through it alright, but the precious souls that are missing from our lives were painfully missed.

I miss my girls with everything I have.  I am tired of bargaing with a God that I hardly speak to – and a God that seems remarkably absent from my life.  It is so pathetic – but I still bargain to somehow get them back.  Why?  Why did they have to die? 

I feel hollowed.  What is the point of this struggle?

Somedays I wish I could forget my girls – only to remember them in the hereafter.  What has the mememory of them done for me?  I am saddened, jaded, bitter and skeptical of life.  I am not who I used to be.  The spark is gone.

Somedays like today – I just don’t see the point of life.  Why am I still here?  What is left to do?

Honest Scrap Award

Thank you Martha for reading my blog, following my journey and considering me for the no bull shit Honest Scrap Award.

Of the following bloggers, a few already received the award, but I still think they should get it again, because I feel they bare a lot of themselves on their blogs about hurt, grief, struggle, strength, happiness/hope. 

Surviving Baby - She makes me wonder why I blog at all?  I should just post links to her blog on my own.  She thinks and writes things that I could have.  So alike.

47 And Starting Over - I don’t know her but I love her, she has the ability to make me smile and laugh at life.  She keeps it real.

life from here: musings from the edge - I have always admired her ability to express her sentiments.  Genuine and warm and heartfelt.  Something about her daughter’s recent arrival via adoption gives me hope, even though we have no plans of that route.

Sometimes It’s The Destination - Honest and genuine.  When we were both unemployed I became completely bonded to her.  We both started our new jobs within 1 day of each other.  I feel like she is my friend and she is real.

Still Hopeful - My blogging sister.  I love her candor and how she has shared her deepest loves with others in this community – Sam and Jack. 

Single, Bereaved, Broken and Tenacious - Unbeleivably honest.  If she isn’t worthy of this award, who the hell is?  She is giving Olivia a legacy – one heartfelt, breath-takingly honest post at a time..

You ladies rock.

The following are 10 honest things about me.

1. I have no sense of moderation.  If I try something and like it, I won’t stop until I’m sick of it.  Currently I am stuck on eating Indi.an food – I’m having it about twice a week now.  I am also stuck on the song I Gotta F.eeling by the Bla.ck Ey.ed Pe.as.   I listen to it about 100x a day while driving to to work.  Give me another 2 weeks and i’ll be sick of them both.

2. I think I had an out of body experience this past March.  I was sort of in a ‘half-sleep’ mode and I could have sworn I made out a human form across our bedroom.  I was in awe of it because it seemed to almost shimmer.  I tried to move and my body would not respond.  Suddenly my body shook slightly and I was sort of ‘back’, I guess.  The form was gone and I was fully awake.  Weird.

3. My feet are a size 11 and finding shoes are a horror.  I found a store recently that goes up to 13’s and I almost orga.smed.  I wish my feet were smaller – but then again I’d probably fall over as i’m about 5′9.

4.  Prophetic dreams run in my family.  I dreamt this horrific dream where my mother died and afterward I could not shake the feeling of impending devastation.  I lost Daniella less than 2 weeks later.  Within that 2 week span two people that we knew died as well.  The night prior to my calling my mother from my hospital bed to tell her that I was losing Daniella she had a dream as well.  A dream where she was trying to outrun a figure and no matter where she went in her home it appeared in mirrors and was always ‘there’.  She identified that figure with an omen of death.  She also got a feeling that ’something’ was going to happen.  I unfortunately confirmed it for her the next day.

5.  After losing Daniella I resorted to shopping as therapy.  My husband had to work a lot of hours and I was home alone often.  This will seem odd – but I shopped for the future I wanted.  I would buy items and think to myself:  ‘This’ or ‘that’ will be in our home when our baby finally arrives.  That is part of the reason I got into debt.

6.  When my uncle found out that the baby was not his, I was secretly happy thinking that the next baby to arrive in my family to could still be ours.  Shameful, but true.

7.  I wish I had no back-fat.  I hate it.  I’ll take everything else with my body.

8.  I don’t know what i’m more of afraid of – losing another baby or never trying again.  So far, it’s never trying again.

9.  I secretly judge people when I see them with babies on the street.  If I see someone in a poor part of town walking with a large brood and pregnant I get so jealous inside.  I think they don’t deserve them or that they can’t proved for them like we could.  I try to remind myself that I don’t know them or their story, but most of the time I hate them.

10. At this point, to not deal with the genetic defect that gives us a 25% recurrence risk I would consider dono.r sperm.  My husband is not ready for that and I completely understand.   Sometimes I just think that genes are over-rated when I consider the spectacular monkeys I have for in-laws.  I think of my friend BigSexxy and Mr. Diplomat and how good they have been and I really think I could move forward with that plan.  But then I think of my husband’s adorable nose, and I think of how Daniella had inherited his ears and feet and I think it’s still worth it.

….and boys and girls….that’s my truth…